Posted in EROTICA ON May 11, 2017

While an overwhelming number of you report that you’re comfortable talking about your desires and curiosities with your partner, things can be a little bit harder when you’re just beginning a new relationship. Whether you’re interested in light spanking or something more hardcore, the way you introduce it to you partner can make all the difference to how it’s received.

So how do you go about introducing a new partner to your desires and fantasies? They’re so much a part of you that sharing them can feel scary, and it’s very common to be anxious of rejection. Luckily, there are some ways to take the edge off these difficult sexual conversations…

The Moment of Truth

So, when do you bring up your kink? This can be tricky. It might not be first date conversation material, but you can see the logical problems with waiting until you’ve been dating for a few months before sharing your secret desires. You might think it works in your favor to wait until they already have strong feelings for you, but this may just spell more heartbreak for the both of you if they aren’t interested in your kink. You’ll have to use your judgment, but aim to bring it up at a point when you’re comfortable discussing sex with each other, but before things get too serious.

Even if your partner might not be into blindfolding and whipping you, they’re probably interested in seeing you enjoy yourself. Emphasize the way it makes you feel, and how you hope to make them feel when partaking in this kink with you. Certain aspects of Dominant/submissive play, for example, might sound strange and un-loving to someone not acquainted to it, so you’ll need to emphasize that definite enjoyment you get from it, as well as the safety and trust between partners that are intrinsic to BDSM.

When one door opens…

Even if the talk went well and your partner indicated they would be interested in trying it, they are probably feeling a little self conscious and nervous about trying something new, especially something that’s clearly very important to you. Take it slow, and be sure to check on their comfort during and after trying it. Giving gentle direction and encouragement will go a long way to helping them get enjoyment from your kink too.

…Another may close

But, you also have to be understanding if they just aren’t comfortable with it. This might spell sexual incompatibility or maybe not; it’s really up to you as the kink-haver to decide whether you can handle a relationship where a certain itch won’t get scratched. However, if it is a necessary aspect of a relationship for you, you can’t use it as a means to guilt-trip your partner, or as an excuse for cheating.


The best advice we can offer for tackling any serious relationship discussion is to be honest, and don’t go into it expecting confrontation or disagreement (hey, even the most vanilla-seeming people can be full of surprises.)

This article has been republished from Volonté, a pleasure project by our partner Lelo. Written by Donna Turner.