MISTRESS IRIS, THE CONNOISSEUR OF TEASE & DESPERATION

Posted in EROTICA FEATURE ON August 23, 2019


Sweet, sensual and nurturing, yet wild, mischievous and erotic…the most intoxicating cocktail of contradictions you will ever experience.

Los Angeles Based Dominatrix and connoisseur of tease & desperation, Mistress Iris has been an active lifestyle Domme for over 10 years. We delve deep into what it means to be an active Dominatrix, the role lingerie and accessories can play in domination, and understanding that the feeling of empowerment in the bedroom through BDSM & domination can also transcend to everyday life.

How do you define ‘dominatrix’?

I would define Dominatrix as a woman who has refined her craft in BDSM. That said, I understand that the word “Dominatrix” has a lot of baggage attached due to its depiction in both mainstream & underground media– the 80s era idea of a leather clad, man-hating, power woman with thigh-high boots and a bull whip may not be an archetype that resonates with every woman who identifies as sexually dominant. In terms of its social understanding, female dominance has always existed at the intersection of male desire, male fear, and female empowerment, which makes it a concept constantly in flux with the changing sexual and gender mores of society. Some dominant women may choose to identify as a Domme, Domina, Mistress, Top, etc. to escape these preconceptions.


What led you to become a dominatrix?

When I was 19, I met a boy who was naturally more submissive, and I was naturally more dominant – neither of us had any experience in BDSM at that point, but we quickly fell into a power dynamic. It all started with tease… I loved flirting and tantalising him, but he would never dare make a move. I soon realised how much power that gave me. His desperation met my desires I pushed him further and further, and together we experimented with a variety of play. In the time that followed, I explored BDSM in my personal life with each new partner, honing my skills and refining my interests, and after six years, I made the decision to become a professional Dominatrix.


What was the educational process to become skilled in the BDSM discipline?

Broadly speaking, there are two key components to becoming a dominatrix; mastery of myriad technical skills involved in the craft, and a deep understanding of the psychology of human sexuality. For each Domme, the balance of these may be different, in the same way that there are some pianists who are technical virtuosos and others who have less refined craft but communicate deep emotion through their playing style. I learned the technical skills through mentorship and taking classes/private lessons. Even today, having distinguished myself within the field, I still take time and energy to deepen and refine my craft. My psychological understanding of human sexuality comes from a combination of reading, intra & interpersonal observation, and duo play with other talented Mistresses. 


Do you see there being a correlation between feeling empowered in the bedroom and empowered in day-to-day life?

Absolutely. While you may not be called on to tie shibari knots at your dayjob, the underlying psychological skills you learn when honing your dominance in the bedroom can certainly generalise to inform your interactions in everyday life. Assertiveness, persuasion, and standing your ground are all very applicable in the day-to-day -- there’s a reason that one of the most popular books in bro business school is called “The Art of Seduction.” Plus, when you get used to spanking a guy in the bedroom, you’ll have less trouble telling him to stop interrupting you at the office (even if it’s not the same guy. Or maybe it is-- I don’t know your life).
 
Likewise, allowing yourself to explore your submissive desires can also be empowering. Exploring what resonates with you in the bedroom (or kitchen, or living room floor, or bespoke basement dungeon) requires introspection, vulnerability, and self-acceptance. Moreover, the act of submission, with a trustworthy partner, encourages a healthy conception of consent and communication. Experimenting with this interplay in the bedroom can help you learn to set boundaries, communicate needs, and operate in a world suffused with power dynamics without compromising your needs and desires. 

What role do lingerie and bedroom accessories play in domination? 

In my case, they play-- ahem-- a very active role. I have a bit of an obsession with lingerie, and while many Dominatrices wear fetishwear, such as latex or leather, I prefer to be in lingerie 95% of the time when dominating. I usually wear a silk robe over it, and the reveal of the lace pleasurements beneath becomes part of the tease. I take my time and draw it out-- holding space as your partner melts at your feet and starts to whimper takes audaciousness in addition to patience. As for bedroom accessories, that is quite a broad field. As a professional I carry a small suitcase full of implements, however even a sexual neophyte may get use from a light assortment (say a bit of lube, nitrile gloves, and a modestly sized strap-on. Dealer’s choice).


Why do you think people are drawn to BDSM?

So much of our culture’s interaction with sex and sexuality is focused on the physical. BDSM certainly involves the physical, but it has an explicit focus on psychological features of sexual communication. It takes the dirty laundry of our childhood, and rather than trying to suppress it as we do in most avenues in life, honors the power it still holds over us. People may not be aware of the psychological underpinnings of why they are attracted to powerplay, but they nevertheless experience the catharsis and intimacy that results from the process of letting go/taking the reins.  


Do you ever feel judged for what you do?

In my day-to-day life, I don’t. I am lucky to be surrounded by (and have actively cultivated relationships with) people who love me for all that I am. I do feel disheartened sometimes when I come into contact with the mainstream - after SESTA/FOSTA bills passed, most web platforms have worked to deplatform sexworkers. Many of my peers have lost their social media accounts, I have had my instagram deleted once without any warning or explanation as well (and with 60k+ followers, it enables me to expose a wider audience to my personal philosophy of sexual communication). Whether we like it or not, social media has become a necessary feature of engagement with broader culture, and sex workers are increasingly being excluded from the conversation. Multiple studies have shown that the more criminalised and marginalised sex work is, the more dangerous sex workers lives are. I don’t feel judged for what I do because I do not concern myself with strangers’ opinions of me. I am, however, concerned about a culture that facilitates and fosters violence towards sex workers, women, minorities, and other marginalised groups. 


Is there a particular type of play that you prefer or specialise in?

Tease is at the core of my sexuality. What electrifies me is the exquisite expression of pure desperation. The moment a person can no longer compose their facade any longer-- when their dignity, their sense of self goes out of the window and they begin to beg and plead-- that’s when I have the most power over them. It’s orgasmic. Prolonged tease and mind games can be a great tool for putting someone into that headspace. While some may lean towards force as their method of power exertion, I prefer to seduce and persuade people to do things. To each their own, or in the case of subs, my own.

SHOP BDSM & KINK
Mistress Iris
@dominatrixiris | Website
Header photo by Alejandra Guerrero
@corporatevampire | Website

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