Q&A With Sex Therapist Aleks Trkulja

Posted in EROTICA ON March 08, 2019

You asked, we answered (with a bit of help from Sex Therapist Aleks Trkulja). 

Tips for being comfortable with your desires and sexuality?

Explore the beliefs and values you’ve learnt that encourage you not to be comfortable. Challenge and dismantle them, be curious, empower yourself by reading great books like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, and Vagina by Naomi Wolf.

How to stop getting attached after sex in a dating culture that is so unattached?

There is nothing wrong with seeking respectful emotional connection, but are the people, or dating platforms you use reflective of what you truly seek? Communicate your boundaries and needs honestly with partners, reflect on the role attachment plays.

How do you continue to build intensity and rapport in a relationship?

The three C’s; connection, contact, curiosity. How are each of these things being practiced in your relationship to build engagement? Esther Perel observes that love wants to know everything, while desire needs mystery. It rests on two pillars of surrender & autonomy, togetherness & separateness.

How can my partner and I work together so I can reach orgasm via intercourse?


  1. Can you reach orgasm without your partner? If not, practice with a sex toy like the Womanizer or Sona Cruise. Self-education will empower you to know exactly what you need from your partner during sex.
  2. Practice with your partner without making orgasm the goal. Be kind to yourself as you explore and develop this skill.

How do I get libido back after long distance relationship?

Long distance relationships require a lot of energy and effort, and a drop in desire can be due to emotional burnout. Consider some self-care activities that will help you relax into yourself again.

I've hit 32 and it’s very hard for me to get wet now even turned on. Help!

There is no shame in your body changing (usually hormonal), and relying on lube. Porte-à-Vie offer a range of lubricants that can help things get a little more slippery. Lube is excellent, but if you’re experiencing pain consult a gynaecologist or vulvologist.

What are your fave pieces of advice for your clients to keep a naturally healthy libido?

Self-care is like foreplay for your brain. Our fast-paced lives leave us anxious, so let yourself unwind enough to switch on the parts of your brain that respond to sexual stimulants. Take a bath, light that candle, eat the chocolate, get a massage - do what makes you feel good in your mind and body.

Does using a vibrator make your clitoris desensitised?

If you’re using it in moderation then no. The clitoris is sensitive with a high concentration of nerve endings, so it’s good to take a short break (otherwise known as edging) which also helps to build your orgasm! A toy like the Sona Cruise is great if you’re worried about desensitization because it sends pulses deep into your body.

My boyfriend finds it hard to get off/finish which makes me feel insecure. Any suggestions?

Anxiety makes it difficult for anyone to relax fully into sexual pleasure. Sex is a place of vulnerability, so it’s hard not to take it personally. Have an honest and supportive conversation on what you can each do to shift this dynamic by addressing the underlying anxiety.

How do you improve chemistry in long term relationship? 

Invest in a We-Vibe! This technology uses an app that allows your partner to control your vibe from a separate continent, helping you to reach orgasm. It helps you have fun while far away from one another.

Written by Aleks Trkulja, Sex Therapist, Relationship Counsellor, Writer

Aleks is a sex therapist working with individuals and couples in Sydney. She holds a Masters in Counselling where she researched the gendering and medicalisation of female sexual dysfunction; and it was here that her interest in empowering women’s sexual pleasure was born. Sex often plays an important role in our wellbeing, and Aleks considers the conversations around intimacy and the challenges we face in relationships important ones to have.